“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” - Frederick Douglass

Ah, children. At one point or another, every couple comes to the point in their relationship where they begin to talk about children. The decision on when to begin trying and how many to have is up to each individual couple, as everyone is different. I personally, love the idea of having children of my own. I even occasionally daydream of being a father, holding my wife's hand with a lil' toddler sitting on my shoulders, or between us holding our hands as we walk on the beach. The thought makes my heart skip, and I hope that one day this dream will come true.

At first, life with children is probably going to be difficult for most. Most newlyweds have never been parents before and the process of raising responsible kids--especially in today's world--is becoming increasingly daunting. We want to give them a life better than we had to teach them to be good, productive people in society. We want to nurture our children in the best way possible that they will be able to cope with future challenges in work, relationships, and eventually raise their own successful children. This can be especially difficult, but growth-provoking, when problems arise. A disagreement here, an argument there, children learn by finding where their boundaries are; what's right and what's wrong. As parents, our job is to teach them these things without being overbearing or abusive and when problems do arise, knowing how to handle them.

First, we need to understand 3 questions about parenting. What is the purpose? Why is it important? How should I go about it?

The purpose of parenting has long been disputed by both scientists and saints. Logically, children cannot survive in this world alone. Unlike other mammals, we are not born with all the knowledge we need to survive. Likewise, we are also not born with the knowledge of what is acceptable and what is not, and to some extent, what is right and what is wrong.

Dr. Michael H. Popkin, renowned American child and family therapist, described that the purposes of parenting are to protect and prepare our children for the world they are going to live in.  Taking this approach should cover all of our bases.

Dr. Popkin also introduced 3 styles of parenting.  Permissive, Authoritative, and Active.  Permissive parenting takes the backseat approach.  It's essentially letting children make all the decisions and hopping they figure things out on their own.  To some, this may seem like a good way to let them figure things out, but in the end, with their lack of life experience and still developing mind, it has been proven that they will be more likely to choose to do what will harm them and others in the long run.  It's not that children can't make their own decisions, it's that they need to be taught how to make them and how to set boundaries.

An Authoritative parenting approach is the exact opposite of the previous style.  An authoritative parent attempts to control all aspects of a child's life.  This usually leads to the child feeling suppressed which then leads to a later, stronger, rebellious stage where the child, once again, acts out and makes decisions that harm themselves and others.

An Active parenting style provides the parents with the necessary control over the child's boundaries while providing them with the ability to make choices that will then allow them to learn how to set their own.

In order to foster an active parenting style, Mom and Dad should strive to create an environment of love and trust so that when problems do surface, there is a mutual desire to love and help one another; both between each other and between them and their children

To create this atmosphere, a sort of "problem-handling" model has been established to help parents know where to draw the line AND what lines to draw when it comes to handling issues.  To begin, we first have to understand who "owns" the problem, or in other words, who's goals are being inhibited.  For example, if a child comes home after curfew one night, and is confronted by the parents, whose problem is it?  Right, the parents.  The parents have the goal that their child gets home safe, and when he or she is out after dark, the chances of them returning safely begin to diminish.

Now, just because it is the parent's "problem" doesn't meant the parents are in the wrong, neither does it mean the child is wrong.  It's what the parents have decided is best for their children.  If the child in question decides to disobey their parents wishes, there is a simple but effective way to deal with increasing levels of disobedience.

First, if the child disobeys the first time (say, they don't clean up after themselves) you treat them with respect by politely asking them to put their toys away.  If they refuse to comply, then we move on to a still respectful, but more firm, "I-statement".  "Honey, it makes me feel sad when you don't put your toys away after you're done playing because I work so hard to keep the house clean so we have a nice place to live in."  This is also intended to help the child understand the natural consequences of their actions; on themselves or on others.  

If they child still has problems understanding, then its time to be firm and create logical consequences for their behavior.  To help them understand what they can and cannot do at this point, action needs to be taken.  If we continue with the child who cannot keep their room clean, have the expectation set that if his room isn't clean, he will lose his toys for 3 days.  If he doesn't clean his room after all that, then follow up and say," we had an agreement.  These toys will be spending the next few nights in my room".  This will help them learn that there are boundaries and that they cannot just do whatever they please.

If it is the child's problem on the other hand, say, they wanted to spend the weekend with their friend but they forgot to fill the car with gas and it sputters out on the way there, then we must let the natural consequences take their course.  Since the car ran out, they now have learned to always check the gage, and how to call for help when needed.  The only occasions in which we wouldn't let natural consequences take their toll is if 1) The action is too dangerous, or life-threatening (they want to ride their wagon down a giant hill), 2) the natural consequences will not affect them for quite some time (dropping out of middle school won't really affect them until their mid 20's) and 3) When it affects other's negatively.  Otherwise, children have the natural capacity to learn by trial and error.

After all that's been said, your roll as a parent is to teach, not to control.  As you strive to treat your children with love and respect (this includes knowing where to draw that line) they will grow to love and respect you too, even if they don't know it at first.

Love,

MP

If that still doesn't work, then