Crisis: A Faith-builder

I hope you all have had a good week!  There have been a few things going on that have been pushing me down a little bit lately.  It’s not a terribly bad situation, just one that requires a lot of trust in God’s wisdom and patience with His timing.

About the same time I was dwelling on what I was going to write this week, a friend of mine was about to go fishing and invited me to go along.  I saw this as an opportunity to escape my thoughts and I immediately took him up on the offer since it had been quite a long time since I had gone fishing myself (side note:  The beautiful picture placed at the beginning of this post is actually a photo I took while the sun was setting on our spot of the river.  Absolutely stunning, isn’t it?).

Once we were there, and our lines cast, we began to talk while admiring the beauty of the view in front of us.  I asked him about the site he chose, and he told me everything from the pleasant rurality of it to the best place to aim my cast.  It wasn’t too far from a main road, but it was as quiet as a midnight snowfall.  Every time we cast in our bait, we could hear the gentle slap of the baited hook hitting the water.

We must have spent a few hours there because by the time we left, night had definitely fallen over the locale.  We shared stories of fun times on a church mission, and even though we served in different locations, we shared similar experiences.  We had fun seeing where we could cast and at one point, the bank gave out beneath him and he almost fell face-first into the river!  As I returned home, I was extremely grateful I had been invited.

As I am currently still reflecting on this, I began to see how this experience is very similar to the crisis’ we all experience throughout our lives, specifically within young families, and how we can safely approach them.

First, about stress.  There are two types of stress: Stress, and Distress.  Stress is defined as a “feeling if strain and pressure” and, in most cases, can be a good thing.  For example, if you are in school, a due date on an assignment is meant to induce positive stress because it pushes you to increase your ability to preform well and quickly.  Distress is the term we most often think of when we hear the word “stress”.  Distress “occurs when the demands upon us are so great that the lead to bodily and mental damage” (www.alleydog.com/glossary/definition.php?term=Distress). We’re going to be talking about extreme “distress”.

As expressed in a text entitled Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, 8th Edition, there are several “stressor events that can bring about a family crisis”.  Importantly, however, it is made know that we need to recognize that not all of these events are what “bring about a family crisis”, but it’s really “the way the family defines the event, and the resources the family has for dealing with it are all crucial to the outcome”.  Let’s talk about that.

Some of the sources of major stress mentioned are:

·         Death of a family member

·         A serious illness or accident

·         Unemployment

·         Unwanted pregnancy

·         A miscarriage

·         Moving to a new location

·         Serious personal problems (i.e. emotional illness, addiction, etc.)

·         Serious interpersonal problems (abuse, infidelity, broken engagement within the family)

Stressful events can come at any time.  They can happen in the moment and in the way you least expect it.  Everyone goes through incredibly stressful moments in their life.  Some, including those with anxiety, experience it more often and more deeply than others.  As much as we sometimes want to, we cannot control everything that happens in our life.  Even if we could, we would never grow to become the people that we need to be.  However, even though we can’t control what happens in our life, we do get to control our response, and we can even turn a crisis into a very positive and rewarding experience in the long-run.

            On one occasion, a man whom I consider to be a “grandfather figure” (you know, like a father-figure, but older and wiser) once taught me a simple equation that, thankfully, has nothing to do with math.

            “E+R=O” he said. 

Upon further questioning, he responded, “It’s a pattern for life.”  “You have the power to decide the “O”, or outcome, of your life.  You may not have control over the “E”, or events, that occur in your life, but you do have control over the “R”, your response.  No matter the event, your response will be what decides the outcome.  Now, do you want be happy for the rest of your life, or are you going to decide to remain miserable?  You can choose whenever you like.”  I have never forgotten this encounter.

The way we deal with stress is called, “coping”.  Sometimes, we want to just “be happy” but it doesn’t seem to come easily.  Sometimes, what we do just seems to make it worse, but occasionall, things do work!  Let’s see which ones don’t and how to avoid them.

Referring back to the aforementioned text, some less-effective coping strategies include:

·         Denial:  Not believing there is a problem. This may relieve some preliminary stress, but is extremely harmful as the problem persists and will cause severe emotional damage as the problem worsens.

o   What to do:  “One way to break out of denial is for some member of the family to openly admit there is a problem” and then offer your help.

o    Ex: “Sweetheart, I know you must have a lot on your mind right now.  I just want you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.  What can I do to help get rid of some of your stress?”

·         Avoidance:  Sometimes we recognize there is a problem, but we avoid confronting it, maybe fearing that our interaction will often make the problem worse the longer it persists.  In some cases, a short-term avoidance can be helpful in helping a family get the resources they need to cope, but the long-term effects are just as harmful as denial.

·         Scapegoating:  Placing the blame on someone or something else than what is actually causing the problem.  “Scapegoating is. . .selecting one of the victims of the crisis and further victimizing that person.”  This is not useful.  Not even for preliminary stress.

o   Ex:  A young mother, who recently suffered from a miscarriage, was relentlessly asked if she had overexerted herself or had not taken proper care of herself.  Essentially, she was being told that she was the reason for her loss.

o   What to do:  Don’t.  Cry with them, love them, be there for them.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, there are also ways of “Effective Coping”.  A family that has developed certain “strengths” is more likely to one that can positively cope with stress and crisis.  These strengths include:

·         Relationships that foster problem-solving and manage conflict well.

·         Celebrations, like birthdays, holidays, anniversary’s, and other special events.

·         Communication, including both in belief and in emotion.

·         Good financial management.

·         Resilience, which includes commitment to the family, the belief that family members have control over the outcome of their lives, and a sense that family can deal with any change.

·         Health, both physical and emotional (this, like all other strengths, is developed over time).

·         Shared leisure activities (going bowling, visiting the beach, playing games, etc.).

·         Acceptance of each member’s personality and behavior.

·         A social support network of relatives and friends.

·         Sharing routines (family meals, caring for the dog, and other chores).

·         Traditions that carry over from one generation to another.

·         A good, clean, sense of humor 😊.

Now, this may seem like a lot, but as Lauer mentions in the text, “Families that have worked at developing these strengths will be in a position to deal effectively with stressors and with crisis”.  Give it a shot! It might turn out to be easier than you think!  If it does prove to be harder than we initially thought, know that it is definitely worth the effort.

Other things to think about includes:  Taking responsibility if the problem is yours, build each other’s self-esteem and balancing self-concern with other-concern.  Being solely self-concerned is just as dangerous as being solely other-concerned.  Don’t focus all your attention on your needs and wants, but don’t let your desire to be mostly concerned about others keep you in abusive relationships.

            In conclusion this week, I return back to fishing.  Sometimes, we encounter stressors, like trying to tie the ridiculously small knots, getting the hook snagged somewhere where you can’t get it back.  Maybe the fish escapes off the line, or eats the bait without it even being caught, or maybe some of the bank caves in and you fall right into the water!  Regardless of what happens, the challenges of fishing only help you improve your game and the frustration of it all is swept away when you finally land that fish you’ve been waiting for!  How do you think this relates to our life?

Love,

MP