Like a game of Telephone

We dislike being misunderstood.  Whether it be our intentions or our words.  Have you ever spoken to someone in a tense situation and felt like you weren't being understood completely?  Like, they just weren't getting it, and you know that if you were given the chance to adequately express yourself, the other person would know where you're coming from, and may even agree or change the way they felt about you?  It's frustrating, isn't it?  Do you think others have felt the same way when talking to you?  I'm sure of it.  Let's see what we can do.

Do you remember playing the game "telephone"?  It was a children's game where we would see if a word or phrase could be passed from one person to the next without being jumbled.  We used to play it in school when I was younger.  We would all sit in a circle and one person would be designated as the "starter".  That person would then come up with a word or short phrase then say it once to the person to their left. Then, the person to the left would try to repeat what was just said to the best of their ability to the person on their left, and so the pattern would continue until the last person in the group would hear it.  That last person would then stand up and repeat what he had heard.  The first person, who began the game, would then stand up and state what they had originally said.  I don't believe I've ever played a game of telephone where the last person said the exact same phrase as the first, always to my surprise.

Was this because someone in the circle purposefully changed the phrase, just to mess with the rest of the group?  Well, yeah, sometimes.  Some people are like that.  "Some men just want to watch the world burn" - Alfred Pennyworth.  If then, we have a group where no one is trying to deceive each other, what prevents the message from being passed effectively from point A to point B?  Let's see if we can figure it out.

Proper Expression
Have you ever observed, or participated in, a game of telephone?  If you have, do you remember how each person passed on the phrase to the next?  Is the approach well-thought out beforehand?  Or did it just come out without much thought?  Usually, it's the latter.  I'm guilty of it too.

When we try to explain ourselves, especially what we're feeling, sometimes we just say the first thing that comes to mind.  In my experience, it rarely ever comes out perfectly right the first time.  A possible solution to this is actually quite simple. 

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."  If you feel like you're not expressing yourself clearly, it's okay.  Take a step back.  If needed, ask for a second to rephrase what you want to say, take a deep breath, analyze once more, then return to the conversation with both a better understanding of yourself and what you're trying to say.  You could take a few secconds, or a few days if needed.  It doesn' matter how long it takes you to gather your thoughts, as long as you get to the point where you can effectivly get them across.

Clarity
When the people playing telephone continue to share the word or phrase, do they say it loud and proud, or do they speak it softly so that no one else hears?  If you've had the same experience I've had, they almost always whisper!  The point of the game was to only let one person at a time hear the phrase.    In this instance, we encounter the second problem of our game:  Lack of clarity.

There's just this difficulty explaining what we feel because, well, it's what we feel, not what we think.  I also see how it can be more of a challenge for men than it is for women.  It's not that men are less in-touch with their feelings or anything like that, but it's actually the difference in the structure of the male and female mind.  Let's get scientific.

Women are naturally better orators; they are better suited for conversation as the speech area of a female brain (The Broca's and Wernicke's areas) were larger than those of a male brain. Dr. Louanne Brizendine, Psychiatrist, wrote a book called The Female Mind and in it she described the significance of this difference as such: “Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road,”

Naturally, this puts men at a disadvantage in conversation, especially when attempting to translate feelings into words.  However, in an article referring to The Washington Post, in discussing this difference it states:  "[Men,] you might have said your first word later than your wife did as kids, and she might be better than you at the crossword puzzle. But as far as passing information through your brain goes, you might have the upper hand." (cheatsheet.com/)

In essence, Wives, make sure to ask follow-up question when your husband is attempting to express himself.  Strive to make sure you understand exactly where he's coming from.

Husbands, make sure you ask your wife follow-up questions so you know exactly where she is coming from.

Two exact pieces of advice, for two completely different reasons.  In conversations outside your marriage, strive to check your understanding.  You can do this by restating what was just said in your own words then by asking if that's what they meant.  Works like a charm.

Assumption
Back in our game of Telephone, each person had to repeat what they heard to the next person in line.  If they didn't quite understand or hear what was being said, they make it up; I know I did.  The flaw in this part of the game is:  Assumption.

Imagine you have a coworker-friend, Angela; she's a little shy and usually speaks in a soft tone.  Now, imagine yourself walking into the office you work at on Monday and you see her as you walk in.  You warmly greet her and ask her how her weekend went.  She doesn't look up but she says something about her husband, flowers, and an anniversary.  You then think, Oh, her husband gave her flowers for their anniversary! You then respond with, "Congrats! Happy Anniversary!"  Next thing you know, Angela looks at you with tears in her eyes and says "What? Why would you say that?"

Now, if you're real observant, you've figured out that it probably wasn't her wedding anniversary this past weekend.  What if I told you that Angela actually just told you something about laying flowers at a grave?  Yeah. Big oops.  If we were to rewind the situation, how would you go about it differently knowing that maybe what you assumed she said wasn't what she actually did?  Let's give you another shot.  Cue Groundhog Day.

You're back outside the office Monday morning.  Weird, huh?  Deja vu is kicking in hard today, isn't it?  As you walk in, you warmly greet Angela and ask her how her weekend went.  Since you know that you misheard her the first time, you stop whatever you're doing and you lean in, keen on catching every word.  You then learn that her and her husband laid flowers at her mother's grave on Sunday as it was the anniversary of her passing.  Wow.  Aren't you glad you listened in that time?  Good job!

Now, we won't always have situations exactly like that one, but we do have a lot of similar ones.  Has anyone ever told you their name but you didn't quite hear them so you refer to them as "Spencer" when actually they had said "Hunter"?  It's quite the common mistake, one that can be solved in two ways.  Be a sincere listener and, when appropriate, ask for clarification.

Being a sincere listener is simple.  When someone divulges a bit of information to you (whether it be their name or what they did over the weekend) listen with the intent to understand.  Do your best at listening to every syllable as to fully understand what was said.  In circumstances where if was extremely hard for you to have understand them, politely ask for clarification (don't just say "what?").  
If they spoke to softly, apologize for not having heard them properly and ask them again.  If what they said was confusing and made little sense to you, say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I didn't quite understand.  Would you explain it to me?"  More often than not, they will!  We are extremely appreciative when we are understood and when we understand others, it makes conversation a lot more meaningful; not to mention it cuts right through tension.

Conclusion

There's a lot to be said for communication; in the game of telephone and in our daily lives, married or not.  As the Family Therapist, Dr. Michael Williams said:  "In family, it is not enough that we communicate so that we are understood, we must communicate in a way that we are not misunderstood."

I know that as we strive to put more meaningful thought into the conversations we have, the conversations we have will become more meaningful to all who participate.

Love,

Midwestern Perspective