What needs to be talked about, but isn’t…

I know it’s a long one, but read until the end, it’s worth it! 😊

Imagine you have a very wealthy great-aunt who is known to give the most extraordinary and wonderful gifts.  Before your wedding, your great-aunt tells you that she is touring Europe and can’t make it to the wedding, but that she has sent a gift that you and your spouse are sure to love.  At your wedding reception, while you are sitting with your new spouse, your best men and bridesmaids, three men come in carrying this humongous wrapped present.  After setting it down, one of the men comes over to you both and informs you that the gift from your great-aunt has arrived and she expressly stated that it be treated with great care for it is very fragile.  He then leaves.  When would you unwrap this precious gift?  Where would you unwrap it?  How would you go about it knowing it’s extremely fragile and valuable?


What if this gift was marital intimacy?



For people like me who have grown up with high moral standards, including abstinence from sexually-intimate relationships before marriage, marriage is a sacred and beautiful thing.  When I think of marriage, I think of a man and a woman who have gotten to know each other over a period of time and desire to be with that person, to share everything they have, and grow together for the rest of their lives, or even eternity.  I think about love.



One of my favorite quotes about love comes from a talk titled The Perfect Example, given by President Henry B. Eyring, Second Counselor of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in October of 2009:

                Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is.



Love is a powerful emotion, and I believe that God gave it to us for a reason.  Like I mentioned last week, many people we know say that their wedding day was one of the happiest days of their lives.  Love makes us happy; both giving and receiving affection in whatever form boosts our self-esteem and our commitment to our spouse, and that love can be deepened and cultivated exponentially. 

 My goal this week is to explain the importance of a healthy intimate relationship how to build an even stronger commitment over time to prevent/avoid infidelity.



Commitment and Intimacy

Commitment and intimacy are really two of the biggest factors that can make or break a marriage.  The desire to be together and stay together really is determined on how well each spouse stays faithful to one another and how intimate their relationship is (aka, preventing affairs and a healthy sex-life, there I said it).



An essay written by Scott Gardner, who graduated from Texas Tech University with a PhD in marriage and family therapy, explores “incidence rates of infidelity, the different types of affairs, the impact of infidelity, and the overall causes of infidelity” and then provides ”suggestions on how to keep a marriage strong and make it less vulnerable to acts of infidelity” and then offers his professional advice on helping a couple “repair a marriage [if] an act of infidelity has taken place” (Gardner & Greiner 2).



In the essay, Gardner lays out some of the factors that lead to infidelity and is quick to point out that “dissatisfaction in marriage does not itself result in an affair” (Gardner & Greiner 13) and instead explains that seemingly harmless situations can lead to the falling out of love with your spouse or fall in love with someone else.


Gardner provides 2 preventative measures we can take.

1.      Being on guard

2.      Being fiercely loyal.

Being on guard means being mindful of outside influences, such as friends of the opposite sex.  Yes! Even friends!

Imagine being a husband who comes home to his beautiful wife every night and expects to be able to talk to her about the up’s and down’s of his day and the plans they have that weekend but instead finds her on the phone talking to one of her childhood male friends happily talking about the time they went rock-climbing in high school. 

Now, to some of you, this may seem harmless; just two friends talking about the good ol’ days, right? Wrong, and I’ll ask Family Therapist, Dr. Michael Williams to help explain why.



In a presentation, Dr. Williams stated that friends “may invade even without intending to.”  He explains that “Sharing ones tender feelings, confidences and aspirations creates bonds. These should be reserved for your spouse” because these types of emotional bonds outside of marriage is a form of “emotional infidelity” or—in other words—cheating with your feelings.

This is a very common and serious form of infidelity, and one that often leads to affairs.  Thankfully, Dr. Williams also provided some solutions.

  -         Carefully discuss your new boundaries with regards all buddies of both genders.

  -          Do not seek them out for conversation, etc.

  -          Don’t spend time with them alone…ever!

 -         This boundary setting should be done before marriage, but can also happen now.

  -          Don’t apologize for wanting to be his/her one and only.

  -          Clearly announce your marriage and your new boundaries to all buddies of both genders. Then keep them.

  -        Exercise great caution with same-gender friends. Don’t assume nothing can ever happen. It does every day.

    -      Avoid emotional infidelity by asking these questions:

-          Am I turning to my friend for comfort rather than turning to my spouse?

-          Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work/school don’t require it?

-          Do you email or text your friend when not together?

-          Do you compare your spouse to your friend?

  Social networking sites have become common means of connecting with “lost loves”—both intentionally and accidentally with the same predictable results.



Friends are okay, don’t get me wrong, but they should never, I repeat NEVER, replace your spouse, in any aspect.

Finally, a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball

“The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse” (Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 142–43).



At the end of the day, I know that most couples really do love each other, and would do anything for each other.  That’s why a healthy intimate relationship is so important, both in conversation and in bed.  If you want to learn more about the do’s and don’ts, the importance, and the sacredness of what a healthy sex-life should be, I encourage you to read Raising the Bar on IntimateRelationships which is an article written by the well-known Latter-Day Saint author, Laura M. Brotherson.  She will provide a much more comprehensive and understandable exploration than I ever will be able to!



Lastly, Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book, Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (2003) created a list of preventative measures she calls “walls”.  I’ll leave these here for you to read! 



Have a great week!



MP



1.       Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

2.       Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.

3.       If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.

4.       Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage. 

5.       Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

6.       When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a bed.

7.       If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.

8.       If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

9.       Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

10.   Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone, [besides your spouse].

References

Eyring, Henry B. “Our Perfect Example.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Oct. 2009, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng.



Gardner, Scott, and Christian Greiner. “An Essay on Infidelity in Marriage; How to Prevent It and How to Recover If It Has Occurred.”